Probate, estate and trust litigation is rarely just about the money — it is about the underlying emotional issues between family members. Mom or dad is gone, and the will or trust is being read in an unexpected way, or the trustee is suspected of inappropriate administration.

The legal questions are certainly important, but they sit on top of grief and long-term family relations. Often, a family member has been carrying the anger or disappointment of some perceived slight or disturbing behavior for months or years.

The unexpected terms of the instrument, combined with the grief and long-held suppressed anger, may boil up into a dispute between siblings or other family members. They lawyer up, and before they know it they have become entrenched and are prepared for legal battle. What once was a warm, loving family has become armies of lawyers, rapidly mounting legal and emotional costs, and time measured in months or years. Holidays are spent apart, no kind words are shared, and family wreckage is far and wide.

How can the fires be put out and the green shoots of family harmony start to grow out of all of this?

The parties can continue to litigate until they have spent piles of money and time, and been dealt a resolution by a judge or jury previously unknown to them. They can attempt a settlement through negotiations between their lawyers — but with emotions running so high, what is the likelihood of success?

Their best hope is to engage a mediator with experience in these matters, and to rely on him or her to understand the emotions and the legal theories, allow the parties to work through their emotions, and help them find areas of compromise. Mediation can not only resolve the legal issues but may restore the family. In most cases, this restoration would be more in keeping with the decedent’s wishes than anything else.

So why do I believe so strongly in mediating in person?

Because the mediator has to sit in the same room to read the unspoken language. The gestures, emotions, and body language are lost on a Zoom or video screen. The parties need to build a relationship with the mediator that cannot be created through a small screen.

These mediations are personal. The parties must feel that the mediator understands them and will convey their concerns and feelings to the others. Probate, estate and trust mediations are so much more than shuttling settlement numbers between rooms — they are about healing old wounds and helping families find their love for each other again.

I’ll travel to wherever you need me. It’s that important.